Hurting

FOR SOME REASON I AM NOT AS SIMPLE AS I WOULD LIKE TO BE. I FIND MYSELF BECOMING SO INVOLVED WHEN I AM WITH SOMEONE THAT I RUN THEM AWAY. IF I COULD ONLY TAKE ON THAT ATTITUDE THAT I PROCLAIM TO HAVE, AS A HARD, STRAIGHT FORWARD, RUTHLESS, BITCH, IT WOULD BE O.K. I GUESS THIS IS MY OWN WAY OF TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT THIS IS HOW I AM OR SHOULD BE. THIS IS NOT ME.

SEX IS NOT SIMPLY SEX FOR ME. I CAN NOT BECOME INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT THERE BEING AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. I UNDERSTAND WHY I AM THIS WAY, BUT TO OTHER PEOPLE, IT SEEMS TO BE A NUISANCE. IT MAKES ME WONDER, WHAT LOVE AND CARING IS ALL ABOUT.

AS I GREW INTO THE WOMAN THAT I AM, I REMEMBER A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS OUT THERE SLEEPING WITH ANYONE THAT I FELT AN ATTRACTION FOR (dam the truth hurts). GRANTED, IT WAS A PHYSICAL ATTRACTION, IT WASN=T AS THOUGH I CARED FOR THEM. THAT IS NOT THE WAY I LEAD MY LIFE ANYMORE. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT? I CAN BE LOVED FOR MY WHOLE BEING, NOT JUST THE CENTER OF MY BEING.

THE JUST OF IT IS THAT I have FELT THE NEED TO BE WITH SOMEONE AT ALL TIMES. I NEED TO KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMEONE OUT IN THE WORLD WHO WANTS ME. NOT NECESSARILY AS I AM, BUT JUST WANTS ME. SAD BUT TRUE. I REFUSE TO LET THIS HAPPEN ANYMORE. I HAVE TO FIND A CERTAIN LINE THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DRAW MENTALLY, TO WARN MYSELF THAT I HAVE COME TO THE POINT THAT I START FEELING MY EMOTIONS TAKE OVER. BUT IS THAT FAIR TO ME? WILL I JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR MERE FRIENDS BECAUSE THE MORE I BECOME INVOLVED, THE MORE I BECOME INVOLVED.

WHEN I WAS INVOLVED IN THE THREE SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS THAT I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE, I WASN=T ACTUALLY BEING ME ALL THE TIME. I WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY AND MAKE SURE THAT I WASN=T SAYING SOMETHING THAT WOULD HURT SOMEONE=S FEELINGS OR ALTER THEIR EGO. NO MORE. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO TIP TOE AROUND SOMEONE ESPECIALLY WHEN THIS ISN=T HAPPENING IN RETURN. I CAN NO LONGER CATER TO THE MALE EGO AND SURVIVE HAPPILY. YES I CAN SURVIVE, BUT WHAT USE WOULD IT BE IF I WERE NOT LIVING TO MY FULL POTENTIAL. If I WERE IN ESSENCE DYING, A SLOW AND MISERABLE DEATH. NO MORE FOR ME I SAY. I LIKE BEING HAPPY AND WALKING AROUND WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH. LIVING. BREATHING...FEELING...UNDERSTANDING...EXPRESSING.

O.K. I HAVE MADE IT MY GOAL TO REVISE THE WAY THAT I CONDUCT MYSELF WITH MEN. I WILL NO LONGER INVOLVE MYSELF WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN=T HAVE POTENTIAL TO BE A FUTURISTIC ELEMENT IN MY LIFE. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I CAN NOT PLAY AND HAVE FUN THOUGH.BUT I GUESS THAT IS WHERE THE FINE LINE COMES IN TO PLAY. FUN IS FUN AS LONG AS IT IS MEANINGLESS AND SHALLOW? I CAN=T GET THAT. INVOLVING INTIMACY IN A FUN FILLED RELATIONSHIP ALWAYS LEAVES ROOM FOR THE EMOTIONS TO CREEP IN AND THEN, BAM, I AM IN THE SAME PREDICAMENT AGAIN. SO WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? WHATEVER IT IS, WHOEVER IT IS, IT IS LIKE IT ALL COMES BACK AROUND, FULL CIRCLE. I STARTED WHERE I FINISHED.